I attempt to write but i am stuck in a rut. It comes as no surprise though, cause right now in my life, i’m caught in one of the biggest decision that could alter my path drastically in the future to come.
I am twentytwo but i feel weighed down by the many choices i have made over the years. Some decisions turned out good, while most others, never fail to make me wonder how much life could have been different if i took another turn instead.
Of course, there’s really no point in crying over spilt milk. What’s done is done and all we can ever do is to just pick up the pieces and move on.
Fragments of my heart lay scattered. Broken, weary to continue existing. It’s not even about giving up on life or being suicidal. It’s being tired of actually waking up every morning. Afraid of the future, afraid of making more wrong choices down the road. Afraid of facing consequences i cannot bear. Afraid that i am just plain not good enough.
This decision has cost so much anguished within me. When i probe my heart for an answer, all it does is let out an audible sigh before settling back in the comforts of its sadness.
I don’t want to look back 20 years from now and regret not taking a stand right here and now. In the end, we know ourselves better than people will ever know about us. They can tell us to do certain things, or advice us. But you can bring a horse to the well but you can never force it to drink.
Lies are told every second. Truth is exposed in time. A heart break is forever.
I know how it feels like to be lied to. Believe me, i just got first hand experience from someone i loved and trusted. And i hate every part of it. Every. Fucking. Part.
I would love to pretend and lie and be back with you. But we know the truth will reveal in time to come. Somehow. I’m sorry your heart break will be forever. I know how it feels, because my heart break is forever too.
Maybe one day i will look back and regret the decision i made today. Yes. No. Maybe? No one will ever know till the day comes.
Till then, goodbye for now.