Samskeyti

Have you ever got that feeling like you have a whole bunch of thoughts to blurt out but you don’t really know where to start. Or you start typing a whole bunch of words and find yourself backspacing till you’re back with a white space. Or maybe you’ve written a whole chunk and realised it’s drifted far from what you originally wanted to say.

That’s probably how I feel right now. Adding on the fact that I feel like the wheels in my brain is on overdrive and it keeps turning but I’m not really sure what info is it churning out. Probably useless stuff, wasting empty spaces to fill the void inside. And I’m not sure why I have this void within but I guess we all have. It’s the space where someone important used to exist but they left and took a piece of you with ’em and things just don’t feel the same.

I’m a lot happier these days. I still cry, but they’re not pathetic tears wasted on myself. They’re mostly sadness for my friends who are currently enduring hardships in life, for the people who have suffered when they least deserve it, sometimes even for that old woman who goes around collecting cardboard boxes and used cans just to make ends meet.

I’m a lot happier these days, I must emphasis. And I’ve never talked about that night we broke up but it was a necessary choice, a choice I needed to make because though you are an amazing guy, sadly love is elusive and most times the person we love never winds up loving us back.

I’m a lot happier these days. Because I am no longer burdened with the responsibility of being someone’s happiness. My actions are a resultant of my choices, and only I am accountable for the things I do.

Told Mok I have no intention of dating, that I intend to focus on “self-growth”. He thought it was a rather strange word; many people use it but he never fully grasped the idea of why people needed one.

But then again, I’ve never taken the time to talk about the things I’ve been through, so he probably doesn’t understand.

I’m a lot happier these days I must say. And the reason is because I no longer need to pretend to love someone. Because I value honesty you see, and when I had to lie to myself for the last few years, it was terrible. Bleeding continuously inside while the rest of the world looked on unaware.

I’m a lot happier these days because after 5 years, I am starting to look towards the future. And I don’t look back in tears. And it scares me. But I am going to walk forward bravely, because I know you exist somewhere in the unknown. And when I finally meet you, I hope we are ready. I hope you are the last.

I’ll be seeing you,

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