Such a feeling! It has been some time since I felt this way – the jolt of pain slowly easing down the cracks of my heart. If hearts could break, it would have been that moment.
The disbelief, the comprehension, the rude surprise, the shock. The part where you realise your lungs have begun to constrict and soon enough, you clutch your throat gasping for air. The involuntary hand tremors that set off a chain reaction as you watch the pangs grow – the muted throbbing on the left side of your chest that spreads and crawls and beats harder with each waking second and without a sound you bend over your abdomen, clutching what’s left of your heart as you let out an inaudible dry cry.
Who needs poison when we have this thing called a heartbreak.
I have always been one too afraid of feeling vulnerable. I detest the idea of having to rely on someone else. To feed off the comfort of others, to seek solace in another. It is like handing them a wild card and you can never be too sure if trusting them with your heart is ever the right thing to do; for everything can change with a flip of the hand.
My heart is very much silent these days but silence is good. Silence means that where once the heart was bursting with richness, wherein now lies a moment of solitude. Abundance is good but a surplus often leaves one feeling excessively stretched beyond their capability. I welcome solitude with both arms.
It is during such periods of brief respite that I thank my lucky stars for the loved ones who love and suffer with me in silence. I was never one to talk much about what hurts the most. As they say, silence speaks louder than words. The gentle understanding is what I crave most and in it, find strength to once again rise and take on the world with much vigor. I have too many flaws to be perfect. But I have too many blessings to be ungrateful.
Whenever I am down, I scale rooftops to watch the city view. Everything seems much smaller and my perspective is opened to a bigger picture. You learn to understand that your current thoughts/feelings are only a fraction of your current life; you learn to let your feelings go like the wind. There is no need to own it. When you close your eyes, it slips off your fingers and spins right beside you. You don’t own it, but neither have you ever lost it.
It is one thing to meet new people and make friends; it is another to have someone who feels and understands you, for who you are without judgement. I am indeed blessed to be surrounded by these strong individuals who appreciate my strengths and embrace my flaws. Your friends are a reflection of yourself and how you live your life – choose them wisely.
Walk closely with the people you love, and with people who believe in you. They will be your pillar of strength when the going gets tough. Engage in deep subjects, strike conversations, and be passionate and fascinated about how beautiful life is. Don’t waste time worrying about the “what ifs”, just concentrate on the “what is”. Life is a grand adventure.
Real connections live on forever.