I have forgotten how to count. It must be so, I repeatedly tell myself. My eyes must be playing tricks on me. If not, how can we properly explain that half a year spun by, with August catching up on the baton?
My mind is empty.
My mind can’t sit still.
It is akin to a newly-bought pup experiencing its first walk in the park. The sights and sounds intrigue all senses and make the puppy abnormally active.
I am curious.
I am detached.
I am concerned.
I am indifferent.
I think that is my new favourite word.
I think… that I give up on life much too easily.
Incompetence is such an unbearable feeling. It is like seeking death but never sought courage for suicide.
Being compared leaves a lingering bitter taste. Eventually, with time the taste does subside. Yet the aftertaste leaves a strange numbness on the insides of the mouth. The jaw does not interlock well with the rest of the face. Stumbling out into the open, sunlight shines and illuminates your shortcomings. Every glance by a stranger increases the paranoia . You are left feeling raw and exposed.
Last weekend, my girlfriend and I caught up for a night of rendezvous. From head to toe in our go-to fashion; we talked about everyday life – good music, great food, our family, passion & interest, love, relationship, and our muted self.
I am onto my fifth glass of whisky and words slip out faster than my thoughts can process. A drunk man speaks a sober heart… how apt!
Suicide/ giving up after few attempts; these are trademarks for the “failures” in life. Often these are people who seek the easier way out. They would rather not know than to face the cold, harsh truth of reality.
I am attuned to the easy way of life. Reality bites and I shudder away from hardship.
Yes, I wage wars in my head. A mind is a wonderful tool and I have allowed mine to rot in my unbecoming body. The negativity festers and feeds off from my fear.
Yes! It is not my lack of self-confidence but fear that keeps me from pursuing the life I earnestly seek. Not the fear of failure itself, but the fear of not measuring up to people’s expectations.. to my expectations.
Incompetence is such a bitter feeling.
And conjunction is my new favourite word.
However, this phase is a bridge between where I am now and who I want to be. It is like a conjunction. This learning curve acts as a connecting point to close the gap.
I will relentlessly pursue my passion, and turn my dreams into reality. And this is dedicated to those who are never afraid to try something new – regardless of how inferior they may feel.