Black Coffee & Tangled Sheets

I feel less writer’s block and more a walking mess of disorganised ideas. There is a definite flow of words and ideas coursing through my veins. It merges and blends with all that I see and experience. Yet when I lay in bed with my journal page spread open, there is no synergy between the mind, heart and soul. Meaningful thoughts are lost midway, like a tourist speaking in a foreign language – most of it simply gets lost in translation.

It is a strange feeling to feel ‘plugged’. You want to create and produce and you know you are more than capable but it feels like you’ve lost your magic and a bit of your spunk. You look inside and there exists an endless spiral of musical notes. You look into the mirror and all you see is the face of an untuned piano. Till this day, I still marvel at how different one can view a person in a sense that what you see outside is never truly what is revealed on the inside.

Life right now is like a series of staccatos. Transitions after transitions, the image on my viewfinder flickers and is constantly on a move. Race too fast and I find myself ahead of the notes; slow down to smell the flowers and I fall behind the music. It takes a hard amount of effort to stay disciplined and keep to the tempo. Still, in those moments where I harmonise with the melody, no matter how short, the chords ring a true blessing. Such instances fuel my motivation to be better than who I am.

When it comes to your career, “No” is just someone’s opinion, nothing more. No one can advocate for you or make it happen like you can. You have to be your own best cheerleader. – Elle Kaplan

I talk a lot about how it’s not the outcome but the progress that matters. As often, it is easier said than done. I know my desire, my ultimate end goal. I understand the steps it takes to get there is not easy and designed to keep me from reaching it. I speak of sacrifices, of a fork in one’s life where we are faced with a crucial decision on which turn to take. I understand, I truly do. But it ain’t easy.

Some days you wake up and light gets into your eyes. You are curious and creative. You see the world with an intense possibility. You march to the beat of your own drum. It doesn’t matter if there exists no such rhythm in this world; your music will spur the crowd on behind your tail. And then there are days where the shutters are down and light can’t get it. You watch the world tick by with a painful awareness of how most people simply get by in monotonous motion. You watch them and see your future self. You are scared of who you might become. Or worse, who you will never become.

On such days, the best is to simply exist. And maybe start typing even if words seem stuck because look at what I’ve just created – 500 words in 60 minutes. And all I wanted to bring across is how much light you have brought into my world.

The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me

Why does love require two ways to work? Why can’t love be one way in the form of me loving you only? Why do I expect yours in return?

I guess the biggest heartbreak is of you not caring. Maybe this is you showing who you really are. But love isn’t one way. And it hurts. One day I will be back here and I will read these words. And they won’t mean a thing. One day.

You won’t mean anything to me. One day.

– e.s. (01.2014)

To My Sister On Her Wedding Day – Part 1 of 4

Just like that, my childhood buddy grew up, found the love of her life and got married. It’s astonishing how a simple union between 2 people would require such extensive planning and involve this great amount of people.

E started planning for her wedding almost 1.5 years before the big day. Getting married had always been the biggest item to be checked off the bucket list, and she wanted it (near) perfect. I guess perfection, to a certain extent, runs in the family. I recall the months leading up to her wedding. It seemed like the day would never come yet as we fervently looked at our to-do list, we knew we were running low on time.

26 November 2016 was the day E & R picked to wed. A week before the wedding, I fell sick. The weather was erratic and rained even though warm, sunny days were forecasted. The house was a mess. There were still lots to be crossed off of the to-do list. The night before the wedding, it rained while the groom was out decorating his car. There was panic, frustration, and finally, resignation.

Then came the glimmer of hope. The rain stopped.

It was a surreal moment as I stood by the groom’s car collecting my sister’s wedding dress. The future had arrived. I was living in the moment I had been dreaming about. The long wait was in that very present and would soon fade off into the past.

People ask how I feel watching my sister plan, get married, and finally move out of the house. To be honest, it is a complicated feeling and I face trouble putting it to words. It feels sort of like graduation day. You’re happy and proud, yet at the same time, a hollow ache punctuates the side of your ribcage. You feel dumbfounded and bewildered that it has all finally come to an end.

I laugh along with everyone but the truth is that I spent 3 weeks before and after her wedding, crying myself to sleep. It’s not that I’m sad or hurt. There was a huge sense of loss and I wasn’t sure what I had to do to fill the space again. Maybe I’m just wired that way – an entanglement of logic and tenderness. A coping mechanism, perhaps?

I guess what they said was true. That you can mentally prepare yourself for many things in life but most times, you will never be ready when it comes and what it will do to you, emotionally.

I’m the sort of person who fights hard for the people I love. During our younger years, I fondly recall standing up for my sister whenever I felt she was getting bullied in school. Even though the same blood flows within us, we’re 2 individuals with opposite personalities.

My sister is, and will always be the more patient, milder child. Looking at her glow in the brightest of all smiles, I knew it was time to hand over the baton. I’d done my part to protect her during the last 28 years, and now, it was time for her to spread her wings and fly off into a whole new world.

(All photos used are courtesy of Reddot Studio)