Opacity

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So here I am once again, attempting to type my way around my emotions.

Most times, I am aggrieved that I fall back into the same pattern of letting my emotions get the better of me. The mind wages war with the impractical heart. Such ferocious intensity would see some of us cowering back in fear, but no. My heart marches to the beat of its own fucking drum. Bye bye logic, hello illogical behaviour.

Some times all you need are chocolates, red wine and a good cry. I dub it my “comfort package”. It’s strange how isolated and alienated I can feel before consuming said package. I need all 3 to happen, in that exact order. The blend of sweet mixed with the bitter wine – oh don’t leave me high & dry.

But recently, my mind has been living in dopaminergic overdrive and it lives while I sleep. It takes my thoughts and manifests into dreams. I believe it’s not called insomnia if you do not want to sleep.

The irony of life right now is much love I have for it yet I am tired. I am blessed and am grateful for all that I have. But, the tragedy of anything that starts with a ‘but’. But, I hate not measuring up to who I think I should be. I think they call this a mental breakdown but I am young and my mind works fine, thank you.

Debates ensue in my head and I gripple with a paralysing fear that I simply don’t matter. That perhaps I am not enough, not necessary, not worthy of love, and the list goes on. This struggle is real. The knowledge that you are worthy but most times, you cannot control how you feel.

Living with a mental disorder is excruciating; you live half your life viewing the world through tinted glasses. Reality is only ever a mirage. You hear voices no one notices and your eyes reflect a skewed perception. Thoughts flow in a nonlinear, binary process. There is no one true political answer because life is never 100%.

I practise my art as it keeps me sane but half the time, the gnawing pain to crush my weak heart is all I desire. So all I do is lie in bed with a bottle of Chilean wine and contemplate how you can love and hate the same person at the exact same time.

Never For Money, Always For Love

Impermanence

It is enthralling to observe the shift in my psyche. They call it growth, but I call it breaking barriers. I never want to spend my days towering tall above others. I want to spread my arms far and wide. To hold the entire world in the palm of my hands and quiver at the majesty of it all.

Perhaps I am older and more set in my ways. I feel sorry for the people I have left behind yet I vibrate with an excitement for all that is to come. In the end, the small stuff don’t matter. Love, to me at least, is the core of the human existence. I look at people and I see this sparkle of light that shines right off their skin. People look so beautiful and I wish I could hold everyone and remind them of their worth.

After all this time, I still choose to believe in the good of others. If we are the sum of our choices then perhaps I am the after light; for only in darkness can light be revealed.

Black Coffee & Tangled Sheets

I feel less writer’s block and more a walking mess of disorganised ideas. There is a definite flow of words and ideas coursing through my veins. It merges and blends with all that I see and experience. Yet when I lay in bed with my journal page spread open, there is no synergy between the mind, heart and soul. Meaningful thoughts are lost midway, like a tourist speaking in a foreign language – most of it simply gets lost in translation.

It is a strange feeling to feel ‘plugged’. You want to create and produce and you know you are more than capable but it feels like you’ve lost your magic and a bit of your spunk. You look inside and there exists an endless spiral of musical notes. You look into the mirror and all you see is the face of an untuned piano. Till this day, I still marvel at how different one can view a person in a sense that what you see outside is never truly what is revealed on the inside.

Life right now is like a series of staccatos. Transitions after transitions, the image on my viewfinder flickers and is constantly on a move. Race too fast and I find myself ahead of the notes; slow down to smell the flowers and I fall behind the music. It takes a hard amount of effort to stay disciplined and keep to the tempo. Still, in those moments where I harmonise with the melody, no matter how short, the chords ring a true blessing. Such instances fuel my motivation to be better than who I am.

When it comes to your career, “No” is just someone’s opinion, nothing more. No one can advocate for you or make it happen like you can. You have to be your own best cheerleader. – Elle Kaplan

I talk a lot about how it’s not the outcome but the progress that matters. As often, it is easier said than done. I know my desire, my ultimate end goal. I understand the steps it takes to get there is not easy and designed to keep me from reaching it. I speak of sacrifices, of a fork in one’s life where we are faced with a crucial decision on which turn to take. I understand, I truly do. But it ain’t easy.

Some days you wake up and light gets into your eyes. You are curious and creative. You see the world with an intense possibility. You march to the beat of your own drum. It doesn’t matter if there exists no such rhythm in this world; your music will spur the crowd on behind your tail. And then there are days where the shutters are down and light can’t get it. You watch the world tick by with a painful awareness of how most people simply get by in monotonous motion. You watch them and see your future self. You are scared of who you might become. Or worse, who you will never become.

On such days, the best is to simply exist. And maybe start typing even if words seem stuck because look at what I’ve just created – 500 words in 60 minutes. And all I wanted to bring across is how much light you have brought into my world.