Opacity

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So here I am once again, attempting to type my way around my emotions.

Most times, I am aggrieved that I fall back into the same pattern of letting my emotions get the better of me. The mind wages war with the impractical heart. Such ferocious intensity would see some of us cowering back in fear, but no. My heart marches to the beat of its own fucking drum. Bye bye logic, hello illogical behaviour.

Some times all you need are chocolates, red wine and a good cry. I dub it my “comfort package”. It’s strange how isolated and alienated I can feel before consuming said package. I need all 3 to happen, in that exact order. The blend of sweet mixed with the bitter wine – oh don’t leave me high & dry.

But recently, my mind has been living in dopaminergic overdrive and it lives while I sleep. It takes my thoughts and manifests into dreams. I believe it’s not called insomnia if you do not want to sleep.

The irony of life right now is much love I have for it yet I am tired. I am blessed and am grateful for all that I have. But, the tragedy of anything that starts with a ‘but’. But, I hate not measuring up to who I think I should be. I think they call this a mental breakdown but I am young and my mind works fine, thank you.

Debates ensue in my head and I gripple with a paralysing fear that I simply don’t matter. That perhaps I am not enough, not necessary, not worthy of love, and the list goes on. This struggle is real. The knowledge that you are worthy but most times, you cannot control how you feel.

Living with a mental disorder is excruciating; you live half your life viewing the world through tinted glasses. Reality is only ever a mirage. You hear voices no one notices and your eyes reflect a skewed perception. Thoughts flow in a nonlinear, binary process. There is no one true political answer because life is never 100%.

I practise my art as it keeps me sane but half the time, the gnawing pain to crush my weak heart is all I desire. So all I do is lie in bed with a bottle of Chilean wine and contemplate how you can love and hate the same person at the exact same time.